Posted by: traceyhanson | June 3, 2008

Scared

And…….. I have hit the panic phase. I have felt this a little bit here and there throughout the pregnancy but now I’m scared/panicked about everything.

1. Labor – I know, labor is part of the whole having a baby thing and woman are doing it all the time. That doesn’t matter, I’m still scared. As of now we have a c-section scheduled and I know, things could change. Bur right now I’m scared of the spinal; I’m scared of the thought of being awake during surgery; I’m scared of being cut in open and getting stapled back together; I’m also freaked about the recovery. 
2. Feeding the babies – I want to breastfeed, that is the goal, but I have no clue what I’m doing. You can only read so much without becoming so overwhelmed. So many directions, so many opinions, so many different ways to do it. And twins? Will I be able to keep up? Should I feed them at the same time? Maybe I should pump at night? Will they get enough food? 
3. Getting my body back – I have gained over 50 lbs. I saw pictures of my legs this weekend. Are you serious? Those aren’t my legs. I know some of it is contributed to being swollen but I have never seen my legs that big. I feel out of shape and I’m constantly out of breath. Again, I know, most of this is contributed to the babies. If I have the c-section, it will take me 6-8 weeks to recover. I would kill to go for a run right now. And I know that may not happen until mid-August. 
4. My life – Yep, it’s going to change. We knew this when we decided we wanted to have kids. But now I’m scared. I’m sure a lot of it has to do with my raging hormones right now. For 35 years I’ve been responsible for myself and the past 10 years my cat. I’ve been able to do what I want and when I want. Now two little babies are going to depend on me/us. All my decisions will be based on raising those two and doing it right. I can’t just go to Jazz every Thursday. I have to make sure we have enough money for baby food and diapers. Sports and hobbies will be put on the side and picked up when we have time.  And so on. This is a new chapter and while I’m so excited to start it I’m also scared of the changes.
5. My relationship with my husband – I’ve heard great stories and I’ve heard nightmares. I am fully confident in our relationship. We are completely in love and have endured so much to get where we are today. I know we will be able to handle this together as a team. But I’m scared of how awesome things have been. I fear that he won’t see me as being pretty and cute anymore. I’m afraid we won’t have time for ourselves. I’m scared of loosing his attention. Wow, that sounded very selfish. 
6. Taking care of the babies – So much to worry about. So much to think about. Feeding them is just half of the whole picture. There is so much to worry about: 
  • BPA free bottles
  • SIDS
  • Sleep
  • The cat
  • Are they too hot? Too cold?
  • Why are they crying?
  • Are they sick?
  • When do I switch to milk?
  • What about food?
  • Are they strapped in the car properly?
  • Is the stroller safe enough?
I know this is a natural fear in most women. But I’m still scared.
As you can see, I’ve hit the panic button. I’ve also cried out of fear. I’m sure a lot of it has to do with the hormones but I’m still scared. Have I said this enough? My freak out stage caused me to spend too much money this weekend. I started throwing different baby items in my cart. I cried when I realized I didn’t even have diaper cream and breast pads. The husband was not happy with my shopping spree. 
::sigh::
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Responses

  1. Everything you are feeling is SO NORMAL and just proves that you are going to be an incredible mother!

  2. Isn’t it amazing that we get these great opportunities in life to prove how much more we have to give. How much more love, patience, devotion and skills we never knew we had. Isn’t it amazing that God prepares us to handle every situation he gives us, good or bad. If you knew in your 20’s that you would deal with such heartbreaking infertility and travel a road so painful you would never have guessed you could survive that path and look …. you made it. Yes, all of these feelings are real and valid, but you have what it takes. You are already a great Mom and Wife with all of the things that you are worried about. Remember to breathe and take it moment by moment.

  3. Well thanks Tracey, you’ve just given me 6 new reasons to pray for you! I am so excited for this miracle happening in your life and I am fully confident that God is equipping you in ways that you can’t even imagine. Keep being honest though. Love you.

  4. I feel a need to reply here.. I know how you get so freaked out!CHILL 🙂#1) These feelings are as normal as waking up in the morning. I remember thinking “OMG”there’s only one way out and I dont know if that is what I want anymore”Remember why God allowes this all to happen. You will be fine and this is all what you’ve worked so hard for. this is just a small part of the rest of these great lives.#2) You can do it Tracey. Just make up your mind. Even for just a little while is ok. Remember, your best is good enough. You will have to learn like the rest of us did. On your own. Everyone is different. Dont be intimidated by others views. This isnt about THEM.#3) Your body is the way it is because of your children. That sickening Tracey will be back before you know it. Fluids do wierd things in there and that all comes out. Lots of it at Birth.You are beautiful and I wish I could say you will be chubby like the rest of us… but sorry to say, I believe that runner will come alive again.#4)Yep. New normals have already begun. That is a good thing. You have had a long and great life so far as single and newly married. Now you are blessed with a new journey that will far exceed anything you have done before.#5)Awsome… You and Jaime are best friends and best at married too. These children will latch on to that. Your the mom and Jaime is the dad. Different roles will come out because that is the way it isDo one day at a time and Let God take care of the rest. #6} STOP IT !!! You’ve whitnessed and been part of a lot of sad things in the past few years…Life happens and you cant change a thing.Cross off all of those things RIGHT NOW!Stay out of those stores… send someone else. Material stuff is just that! Your mom and I lived on Rummage Sales and I think we did pretty damn good with all of you guys!so..Lets have those babies and have a great FAMILY and LIFE.LvYAKaren M

  5. Thanks for making me feel normal…I’ve had those kind of thoughts and more. In fact I’ve been wondering if I’m depressed and need to see a counselor. What a head trip this pregnancy thing is!

  6. I read this post thinking, “oh yeah, I did that, I felt that, I remember that…” so yep, you are mother material. Just know that all of the stress and fear is worth all those sweet moments that you cuddle their tiny sweetness in your arms. And then before you know it, you’ll be chasing toddlers around like a freakin lunatic.

  7. All if this is COMPLETELY NORMAL. Honestly, I think that people that DON’T freak out a little at the thought of motherhood are strange. It is a very big change, but just about the best change you can make. I was so worried about how life would change for me and now I just can’t even imagine going back to a like where I didn’t have AK. Sure, its different and not as flexible, but its filled with a million moments of joy that I wouldn’t trade for anything. You’ll be great Tracey. These twins are lucky to have you and Jaime as parents.

  8. i am positive you both will be great. you both have the strength and determination for anything!

  9. Breathe.As everyone said, what you’re feeling is perfectly normal. For me, it really hit me when my water broke and we were getting ready to go to the hospital. I freaked out and cried like crazy. Was I ready? Would I be a good mom? Would I ever have a life again? Now, 10 months (!) later, I can’t imagine life without my little guy. And you’re going to be the same way… and such a great mom. Those are two lucky little babies.

  10. u made me giggle.. but i know the feelingjust breath.. you are amazing and you will do amazing… esp with your husband by your side everything will fall into place!

  11. This just proves what an incredible mom you will be. Even while K is screaming his little lungs out, I think how it is so worth it. I never want my old life back.Sheila

  12. Hi! It’s Jen (Oprah show). I am so excited for you! But I swear I felt/feel every single one of those things you mentioned. Our baby, Lyla Grace, is 2 months old already! I can’t believe it. It’s really difficult at times, but she just smiled at me for the first time last week and it reminded me how totally worth every sacrifice and rough moment it all is! Keep in touch.

  13. Everyone has pretty much said what I was planning to say, but I totally remember having all of the same feelings when I was pregnant the first time. I cried about it too. And now, I don’t even want to imagine my life without Drew. The funny thing is, now that I am pregnant with #2, there are new fears – How can I love another one as much as I love D? – Am I pushing D to grow up too soon? He’s my baby!! and on and on. You will be fine and look back on this and laugh.

  14. Thank you so much for this blog. My Husband and I have been trying to conceive since 2006. I have PCOS working against me. We had 3 failed IUIs and I am now on my 3rd IVF cycle. We are praying that this time the egg quality is good enough to implant and freeze. Our past IVF embryos arrested in development both times and neither transfer took. They even used ICSI and assisted hatching. They started a new protocol with the meds you used to conceive your miracle twins. Bravelle, Repronex (instead of Menopur) and Ganirelix are the medications and my HCG shot is tonight. My Retrieval is Wednesday. I am praying that with this retrieval and transfer we will get a positive result and a healthy pregnancy. I have been nervous and stressed but reading your story gave me hope. Thank you for that and I will be praying for you and the twins. God Bless!

  15. Tracey,Every SINGLE mom to be (even 2nd time mom’s) feel and share your worries. Saying that, it doesn’t make it any easier.My view is, the anticipation is far more frightening then the reality. I always said to myself, I would just wait to get there and be in it (i.e. once baby/ies come) and then freak out if I need to. And, it always was easier and not nearly as scary as my imagination led me to believe. I hae 2 gorgeous boys – 2 years and 3 months.You will learn so much along the way and so will your baby. You have the main ingredient, love and support.YOU WILL BE OK!


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