Posted by: traceyhanson | November 12, 2009

Ready to throw in the towel

The biggest white towel ever.

Anna and Luke – 10
Mommy – 0

Warning – this post will ramble in many directions. It probably won’t make sense. The grammar may suck and I will probably sound whiny and selfish. Read at your own risk.

I’m tired. I’m losing the battle of being a mom. The twins are 16 months and don’t get me wrong, they are amazing and I am very blessed. But I’m frustrated.

For example. Today I picked up lunch for me and a friend. I called it in ahead of time so I could just run in, pay and run out. As I pulled up all I could think of was seeing myself on the evening news tonight cause some crazy person called the police on me for leaving the kids in the car.

::GASP::

But I did not want to go to the trunk, pull out the massive double stroller, get each kid, buckle them in just to go in and pay for two sandwiches. Instead I got them out and let them walk in. MISTAKE! Complete disaster. Hold my hand? Ha! One ran left, the other ran right. I paid, and ran out (Yes, with the kids). And cried. Yes, really, I cried.

This is why I don’t want to go anywhere. People don’t understand why I don’t want to go here or go there or come over. Really, really? Have you tried dealing with two 16 month old babies.

They are bored. They are climbing bookshelves, desks, throwing their toys, hitting each other, hitting me, pulling each other’s hair.

Shopping has become a nightmare. When they were younger it was easy to give them a bottle and whip through the store. Not anymore.

Winter is upon us and it is getting too cold to get them outside. What am I suppose to do with them?

Please don’t tell me to join mommy groups etc. Really? What am I suppose to do with the kids? I can’t even get two kids into a house on my own.

I want to work more. We are getting so tight on money. But it makes no sense. Do you know what it costs to send two 16 month old kids to daycare? Doesn’t make any sense.

This is so hard. I’m not mom material. I suck at trying to teach my kids anything. They don’t listen to me. I feel stuck here. I miss part of my freedom. Sure, call me selfish, I really don’t care. I want to run. I want to see my friends more, I want time for myself.

And why are men so helpless. I go to work to make some extra money. I leave out notes for my husband about the kid’s dinner with the bowls and forks right next to the note. I got home and he told me he couldn’t find their forks. Really? REALLY?? THEY WERE NEXT TO THE NOTE! I wanted to scream. He told me that he was use to looking in the cupboard. He probably had to move the forks to read the note.

And why is it that because you are a stay at home mom you are all of a sudden in charge of EVERYTHING?

My car is on the fritz. I love my jeep and it is paid off. And now it’s crapping out.

I just feel like crying all the time. And when I feel sorry for myself I feel guilty and selfish. This makes me cry more.

Thank you for letting me vent. And cry.

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Responses

  1. Tracey,

    I totally feel your pain and frustration. Logan (3) is terrible in public. (Matthew (5) is no angel but a little better than Logan) He won’t stay with me and runs away frequently. We, too don’t want to take our kids anywhere because of the way they act. Can’t sit still, talk loudly, take off….etc. So Logan has resorted to having to wear his monkey harness. Perfect example was the zoo on Sunday. We told him he had to stay near us or he was going to have to wear the monkey. Needless to say, he had to wear the monkey. I used to think putting your kid on a harness was like walking a dog (that was before I had kids). Now I’m all for putting Logan in that monkey. Matthew has learned to stay close enough that he doesn’t need one but if he did, I’d put one on him too. So Tracey, know that you are not alone. I, too have cried in my car after a frustrating experience in public. Stay strong!!! You are a great mom and Anna and Luke are lucky to have you for a mom.

    Jenny

  2. Tracey,

    Thanks for posting this. Most moms won’t be this honest! It feels good to know that I am not the only mother who feels like this…and you have two! It is so hard some days! You miss the old you and yet you are so happy to have a child! I would love to get together and chat. Don’t worry…I can come to YOUR house! Lets set a date… I will bring wine.

  3. Tracey, I am a mom to 13 month old twins and I feel your pain and frustration! Being a mom to twins is really double the work and twice the drain on you. Everything you wrote I can totally relate to and I’m facing the exact same challenges you are. Feel free to email me anytime. I found another mom of twins in my area and we call one another just to vent. It’s helpful to talk to other moms who are in the same shoes. I wish you the best of luck and know that you are not alone. God Bless!

  4. Hi Tracey,
    I was so glad to read your post (not glad that you’re struggling with these things but glad that you were honest in posting them). I’m a mom to 4 1/2 month twins and am feeling most of these things already. I agree with how much work it is to go out (you can’t do anything without a stroller) so it’s just so much easier to stay home.. and then you feel so isolated.. and this flu season isn’t helping things either. I always thought I was mom material – it’s what I’ve always wanted but I find myself second guessing that now. I, too, went through IVF to be blessed with our babies and I understand feeling torn with knowing how blessed you are with how incredibly challenging and frustrating it can be to have two.
    I had to laugh at the comments on your husband.. he must be related to mine. I needed to hear that – I’m not the only dealing with those issues. I’m trying to have patience with him but some days, it isn’t happening!
    I don’t have many words of wisdom. I just wanted to say that I totally understand where you are coming from. Hang in there!!

  5. Mother of 1 year old boy/girl twins and going anywhere by yourself is such a challenge. I took them to their last doctors appointment by myself, what a mistake! The doctor had the nerve to say that the kids needed a nap and wondered if everything was okay at home!

    Melisha


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